Screaming Inside

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you’re screaming as loud as your body will let you scream–but it’s only on the inside, where no one can hear it but you? That seems to be me today. On the outside, I seem fine. Calm. Collected. But on the inside I feel like I’m screaming as loud as a person can scream. I don’t really know what I’m saying, but that does not really seem to matter that much to me. It’s just the knowledge that I am screaming so loud.

I bought the Garden State soundtrack. I’ve been doing a good job of not buying a bunch of random stuff, but I have been picking it up and almost buying it since the day Liz and I watched the movie over a month ago. Since then, I have wanted to listen to the soundtrack so often that spending the 9.72 on it was okay. When you open the CD case and look at the back of the liner notes is this quote:

“Good Luck Exploring the Infinite Abyss.”

That seems to be me at the moment. I feel like I am exploring the infinite abyss inside of myself, and I feel like I’m standing on top of some construction equipment and yelling as loud as I can into the nothingness. I think that would be very therapeutic, that’s for sure. To just go outside and yell as loud and as long as I can and just get everything that is inside making me frustrated and sad out and just leave it in the abyss. However, that is not possible.

I realized last night that I am pretty good at keeping things bottled inside. At least I’m good at keeping it all inside when I am around other people. I don’t often get my feelings hurt, and I usually don’t let on that something has upset or bothered me, but then it just eats at me and makes the infinite abyss that much deeper. My feelings got hurt yesterday, and I haven’t said anything to the person who hurt them because it seems like such a little thing. And, in all reality, it was a little thing, but it still hurt me and I felt it the rest of the night (and still feel it today). I’m not holding a grudge and I’ve moved on from the hurt, but it still lingers. I know I should say something, and I know sometime I will. But, like I said, it is such a silly little thing it’s not worth getting into, in my own mind. So, I’ve been doing my best to hide how I’m still feeling a little today. And, as far as I can tell, the only person who has really asked if I am okay is Liz, who hasn’t seen me or heard my voice, but can tell by the way I write silly nothing emails to her. That speaks volumes to me about our friendship.

So there you have it folks. I’m in a blah kind of mood today. The kind where the littlest thing can make you happy and the littlest thing can make you cry.

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