Sometimes I wish I was better at expressing myself verbally. I usually can handle expressing myself fairly well when I’m writing, but face-to-face sometimes leaves me speechless. Mostly, this happens when I get my feelings hurt or am faced with big changes. I tend to keep to myself and not express myself as fully as I should. And, sometimes I regret it after the fact. I regret not being honest with the people in my life, and with myself. I regret being too quiet when I should speak up, and speaking up when I should be silent.
I am good at expressing myself to my friends and the people I have taken the time to really let into my life these last few years. Or, I should say that I think I am good at it. Sometimes, though, they are the people that I am most silent around – I don’t want to say something, even if I’m hurt, because what if it changes their opinion or me or they don’t like me anymore, or they get mad at me…yes, I have this entire conversation with myself in the point four seconds between when I’m hurt and when I can say something. My fear of hurting someone else always trumps my sadness at getting hurt. I’m not sure if that is a blessing or a curse, but it is who I am.
But, what would my life look like if I said everything I wanted to say when I wanted to say it? My guess is it would be a lonely life. I would probably say things in the heat of the moment, but then regret it later. I would probably make more people angry and have less close relationships. I would probably not be very nice to be around. So, you see my rock and my hard place now, don’t you? If I say something, I might hurt someone else or say something I would regret…but if I don’t say anything, I get hurt and regret not saying anything. It’s a catch-22 with no easy way out, at least the way I see it. So, I stay silent and don’t risk rocking the boat. I’m not sure what that says about me and how much I trust my friends sometimes…and I’m less sure I like what I can infer from that line of thinking.
I need to be more willing to speak up, even when it might cause friction; even when it might rock the boat; even when it makes me really uncomfortable to admit that I am not 100% happy and content all the time.
Does any of this make sense? Or am I just whiny and complaining?
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