Looking



This tree sits in my backyard at my parent’s house. It’s been standing forever.
It’s a beautiful reminder that some things remain.

 We’re just a few hours from another year being over. I honestly cannot believe how time flies these days. I feel like I was just sitting here reflecting on everything that happened in 2011. And now I’m looking back at 2012 and feel like I can sum up the entire year in one word: whew.

It was a crazy, busy year. It was a year of having a lot on my plate and a lot to do. Work kept me really busy. School kept me busy. I read a lot. I wrote very little. I failed at pretty much every goal I set for myself 366 days ago. I didn’t lose a bunch of weight (but I didn’t gain any, either). I didn’t become a writer. I didn’t have anything amazing happen. I worked my tail off and I cuddled with my dog. I did a lot of thinking. I laughed way more than I cried. I went on fun trips to Vegas, Houston and a crazy trip around the South. I enjoyed hearing that two dear friends are going to be mothers for the first time. I spent a great weekend with my mom shopping, laughing and walking. I started the long and beautiful process of reconnecting with my sister, brothers and step-mom. I got to know some incredible people a lot better. I spent some time thinking about my world and my place in the world.

I learned that I have a limit.I learned that I cannot do it all. I am only one person. I wore myself out on more than one occasion. I spent a lot of time and energy worrying about things I couldn’t change. I learned to admit to myself that sometimes good enough is good enough. I have to give myself a break sometimes.

As I look to 2013, I am hopeful. I am optimistic. I am confident. I am also a little anxious and unsettled. This year may be a year of change. It may not. I am comfortable in my life. And I feel like being comfortable means inviting something to ruffle feathers. That scares me and excites me all at the same time. I don’t know what 2013 is going to bring. I have lots of dreams and hopes and desires for what I want to happen. I don’t know if any of them will come true or if anything in worth even writing down. I know that I suck at keeping resolutions, so I’m keeping them general this year.

In 365 days, I want to be a better version of myself. I want to be more transparent with people, even if it means I might get hurt. I want to be more assertive, as well. I want to speak my mind when I need to and to not be afraid to have a dissenting opinion. I want to take more risks, even if it means I might fail. I want to set myself up to be a better person. I want to laugh even more. I want to admit when I am weak and when I need help. I want to be ready to embrace the world, with all it’s sham, drudgery and broken dreams (God bless the Desiderata). I want the world to be a better place because I am in it. I want to be just dissatisfied enough to strive for more, and just content enough to recognize that this life, this moment, is worth everything.

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